In my mind, I am not a responsible adult. In my mind, I think I’m still the same irresponsible, immature person I was as a wretched, awful teenager. It doesn’t hit me that in fact, I am a responsible adult until I’m deep into doing something responsible. Such as my plans the pat few days. Last night, my plan was to go pay the mortgage after work. I did that, and bought a few groceries while I was there. It was payday, and I had this evening and my weekend plotted out already. Fast forward to tonight, it hits 4pm, I clock out for the week, and I go work on my yard. No hemming and/or hawing, just “I planned to get this started this evening, I’m starting on it”. It’s half done, and my plan for tomorrow is to get out after the dew has dried off, and finish it up. I don’t want it getting out of control again. In another life, I’d have whined, complained, and had the whole house frustrated with me for not starting on my part until 4pm. In this one, I still started at 4pm, but it was me going from work to something I planned to get done. I was more frustrated that my brother went out in the heat of the day to work on his part instead of waiting until the sun started going down. But, he knows what he’s doing, isn’t pushing himself to where he’ll pass out from the heat. No, that’s more my thing because I don’t know how to stop for my own sake. In all of those things though, I’m the responsible adult, and it scares the life out of me that I am the one that’s actually responsible, actually doing what needs done as it needs done. Like, I should not be the one staying calm under pressure, I should not be the one keeping my mom from going off the deep end because the county fairgrounds put up a security camper at the front gate across from my house. I should be the one panicking! I should be the one losing his mind at the drop of a hat! What happened to me!? I guess it’s one of the perks of being medicated, because I used to be the one that’s would flake getting on the highway of the evening, that was terrified of using cruise control unless he had to. I used to be the one trying to writhe out of doing housework! Now I’m the one pushing to get it done! I’m the one thinking about setting up an actual garden in the backyard for next spring, where did the slacker I used to be go!? It can’t just be the meds, right? Because even when I’m not medicated, I’m still the one who wants to get all these things done, I’m just less emotionally stable going about it. That camera across the road? That’s whatever, there’s a half dozen of them around the grounds, and we aren’t doing anything illegal, so I’m not concerned about it. Before the Covid days though? I’d be thrown so far off my game I couldn’t handle it. I’d love to be irresponsible again, just sit at my desk and play video games all day, every day, but there’s always so much that needs done. That yard isn’t going to mow itself, that mortgage is intentionally not set to auto-pay, so, I have to make the trek to go pay it. If I don’t go do it, it won’t get done. It doesn’t get done, it stacks up higher for future me. Thus, I go do it so that it’s less headache in the future. Is that all being responsible is though? Making sure I have as few problems as possible later by doing it now? Like that yard, between being sick and the weather, it didn’t get done like it needed to earlier in the season to keep it from growing too high to manage easily. Now it is handled, and I’d like to keep it handled until it’s late enough into the year to stop mowing. Playing games all day won’t keep it from growing past what’s manageable, actually doing the work will. I don’t know, maybe I’m wildly overthinking it. But, I’d almost prefer being responsible and having not as much time, than not being responsible and letting bills and chores stack to the ceiling. Looking over the finished work feels nice though. My yard does look really good so far.